The Lily Among the Thorns
by Tanaqui
Summary: Loss puts everything into perspective. I still visit them. Sometimes I sit for hours with them, talking to them, listening to the wind, imagining their responses. I shall always miss them. I shall always miss my James and my Harry.
1. Chapter One : Loss

"The Lily Among the Thorns"

_ Loss puts everything into perspective. All the things that you think you need, but realize that you don't. The little things that used to matter so much, coasters on the coffee table, which drawer the forks and spoons were sorted into. They don't matter anymore when confronted with Loss._

_ Loss isn't a state of mind either. It's not something that you can put away in the back of your mind and forget about. No. It's vivid. Real. Constantly stabbing you, ripping through your heart over and over again._

_ You realize what really matters. The little things you should have said, should have done. Then the guilt starts. Maybe you could have done something to prevent it. Maybe, just maybe if I hadn't broken up with him, this wouldn't have happened. Or maybe if I hadn't yelled at her to stop being such a slob, she would still be here. _

_ Loss can be anything. The loss of a close friend, of a special item, a relationship. But the greatest loss, is death._

_ That loss never leaves you. It's been 5 years to the day, and I still feel the pain like it was yesterday. I still visit them. Sometimes I sit for hours with them, talking to them, listening to the wind, imagining their responses. At night I still feel his body next to mine, only to find him gone. I shall always miss them. I shall always miss my James and my Harry._

Lily sat back at her desk and looked at what she had written. She wiped tears from her eyes as she closed them. James and Harry. It seemed like just yesterday they were all a happy family.

_ Sometimes I wish that He had come earlier, that He had killed all of us when we were younger, less in need of family. Sometimes I wish that my dream of Him killing all of us when Harry was a child would be real, and I wouldn't have to live through this pain. _

_ Sometimes I lie awake at night, thinking of that night they were both drafted, wishing I had stopped it. I know things would have been different. If they had hidden like I told them to. They wouldn't, they were both man enough to stand up and fight for what they believed in. They didn't know how it would end. On these lonely nights I stare at my ceiling and wish that I would wake up, and they'd be back with me. James would be next to me, and Harry would be at School. But always I know it can't happen. This is the hand I was dealt, and now I have to play it. For Better of For Worse, I have to play it._

"It was that stupid draft!" she yelled in anguish to no one in particular. She pounded the desk and the tears started to flow, "It was that stupid, stupid draft…" She slumped onto the desk, too exhausted with emotions to write anymore. She was too much in pain to care. More tears came to her eyes and landed, splotching the paper she was writing on. She wiped the paper of tears.

_ Life deals you cruel hands sometimes. It's hard to believe that more often then not, you're expected to simply move on. Deal with it. But you can't. It's impossible. It will always be there with you in everything that you do. The pain. The sadness. It will stay with you until you find a way to heal. Find a way to heal naturally and be at peace with what happened._

As she wrote the tears came pouring out of her again.

_ This is my healing process._

She sat back again at her desk and wiped her eyes, she gathered the paper into a pile, and stood. The rest would be for tomorrow. She would take it one step at a time. One bit at a time to tell her story from the beginning to end. From life, to death.


	2. Chapter Two : James

"The Lily Among the Thorns"

_I guess I would have to pinpoint the beginning of this story to the day I met James Potter. He was young, bright, funny, and very handsome. I would admire him from afar, watching him play Sports, wishing he would notice me. I would always go to the library when their Team would go out to practice. From there I had a good view of the field. I would look for him. He was the fastest, it wasn't hard, and from there I would sit and pretend to read, but really I would be looking out of the window, watching him._

_Well, things progressed, and somehow I guess I became part of his little gang. They called themselves "The Marauders". I remember how silly I thought it all was. Why name yourselves "The Marauders"? Now that I look back, I realize that it did suit them. Perfectly. _

_I went through a stage where it seemed every boy at School liked me, except for the one that I liked. Or so I thought._

_It was one summer, I was visiting the guys at James's house, and one of his best friends, Sirius, started to flirt with me. I remember James's facial expression to this day. He narrowed his eyes and furrowed his brow, and glared bloody daggers at Sirius. All those boys learned to not flirt with me anymore._

Lily sighed in content as she stretched her fingers, "Those were such good times…" she thought to herself. "Such good, good times."

_That summer, James asked me out on a date. Little did I know that this date would mean so much more than I thought it would. He took me out on the town, and showed me everything and anything he thought I would like. He took me to dinner, and dropped me off back at my house. My parents were out on business for the week, so we decided it would be fun if he were to sleep over. We stayed up all night watching comedies and eating popcorn. It was so weird to be with a boy who didn't mind just hanging out. It made me like him even more, the fact that he wasn't just interested in sex, like most boys his age, but instead more interested in, well, me._

_I got my first kiss that night, right before I fell asleep on the couch. I remember how it happened so clearly. I was lying on the couch, and he was sitting on the floor next to me, the T.V. was going in the background, and I was getting tired. I remember he whispered for me to close my eyes and go to sleep. I closed my eyes and all of a sudden, I felt his lips on mine. It took a moment for my brain to register that he was kissing me. James Potter was kissing Me. It was the most lovely feeling, I kissed him back very gently, and he whispered "Goodnight". It was like a dream, the most perfect dream._

Lily closed her eyes, and pictured that night. She could remember everything so clearly, as if she were living that moment again. She touched her lips, remembering what it felt to have James kiss her. And for the first time in a while, Lily smiled.

_I woke up, and he was gone. I couldn't think why. "Why would he leave? Does he not like me? Did I do something wrong?" I started to panic. Luckily before I lost it, I noticed the letter he wrote me._

Lily stood and started for the attic. Some things required verbatim writing, and she especially didn't want to screw that letter up. She came down from the attic with her box of memories. In it were all the things from big points in her life. Good and Bad. She rifled through it and found what she was looking for. James's letter. It was slightly yellowed with age, Lily gingerly lifted it out of the box, and began to copy it.

_**My Dear Lily,**_

_**Good morning. I trust that you had a goodnight's sleep. I sincerely regret leaving you, however, my parents will be waking up in a few hours time, and they must think that I came home last night. I promise you that I will be back once they wake up and I tell them I'm going to visit you. Please don't go anywhere until then. I can't wait to see you again. **_

_**James Potter**_

Lily smiled once again to herself, and began to trace his writing with her fingers.

_He came back an hour after I woke up and read the letter. It was such a good day, and an even better summer. We spent every moment we could together. Almost every night, we would go out to somewhere or other. It helped that he didn't live too far away from me too._

_I'm now going to tell you something I've never told anyone else before. The night he said "I love you."_

Lily stood, and put her papers into neat stacks. That story will be for tomorrow. She turned the light off at the desk and went into the family room to watch T.V. "I guess it's not really the family room anymore…" She thought sadly to herself as she sat at James's old chair. And she slowly drifted off to sleep as the light from the television flickered around the otherwise empty room.


	3. Chapter Three : Love

"The Lily Among the Thorns"

_So far I've lied to my friends. Even my best friend only knows a few details, and she definitely doesn't know this one. I'm sure she's going to be more than a bit upset that I'm telling the world this before her, but I'm sure she'll understand. It's something so personal, that the best way to say it is to be impersonal._

_The night he said "I love you", I lost my virginity._

Lily let a breath out, and re-read that sentence over and over again. "Should I really include that? I mean, do people really need to know that?" She shook her head and decided that it was her healing process and that she needed to include whatever it was that she needed to include. "Now where was I…?"

_I know you're shocked. I was only 17 at the time. But we had been dating for 6 months, and I knew he was "The One". I know that's rather rushed. Now that I think about it, it probably wasn't the smartest idea in the world, but it's hard to implement restraint when you're parents are gone, and your boyfriend is in the bed next to you._

_Well, I guess by now you're dying to hear the story, so here I go._

_The night started out not so great. We had had a little argument the day before about something trivial or other, so when he came over, we were sort of awkward for a while. I mean, we're both stubborn people and neither of us wanted to apologize first. He ended up apologizing first, but that's beside the point._

_After those first few tense minutes, it was great from there. We had a romantic candle lit dinner that he cooked just for me, and then we snuggled on the couch and watched a romantic comedy._

_I got a bit sleepy, so I told him that I was going to go to bed, and that he was welcome to join me when he got tired. I remember as I was walking up the stairs, I heard the T.V. turn off, and I heard him begin to follow me. I was so excited. For the first time, James was going to sleep next to me in my bed._

Lily sighed and rested her head in her hands. "Now comes the hard part…what to put in, and what to leave out."

_I had already climbed into bed and snuggled under my covers when James crawled into bed next to me. I was so happy. It was the most ecstatic feeling having his arm around my waist, feeling his body lying beside me. I rolled over to kiss him goodnight on the cheek, but his lips found mine before mine could find his cheek. We shared the most passionate, most tender kiss that I could have ever imagined. When we broke away, he looked me in the eye, kissed my forehead, and whispered "I love you". I smiled this big goofy grin, kissed his forehead back, and whispered "And I love you"._

"Now what do I put in? How do I write this? Without being, well, awkward? Or too graphic?" Lily sighed again.

He kissed me again, and I kissed him again, and, well, things just escalated. The weird thing was though, I wasn't scared or anything. I mean, I thought my first time I would be, but I wasn't. I was so comfortable with James that I wasn't scared. I was just, nervous and ecstatic at the same time.

_He was so gentle and sweet about everything. And the thing is, I didn't regret, and I don't, to this day, regret that night. It was such a thrill to experience so many emotions at once, so many feelings. And with someone who I really loved. Who really loved me. I should probably have regretted it, because I have, and always have had such high morals, but I don't. I loved him, he loved me. We made it in the end. There is nothing to regret._

_We fell asleep in each other's arms. We woke up in each other's arms. That's what made me the happiest. That I woke up with him. Not because I had just slept with him, or because I woke him up with a kiss. No, just that I woke up with him beside me, snoring ever so softly._

_It was perfect._

Later that night, Lily lay in bed staring at the ceiling, "Please come back James." She closed her eyes and kept repeating those words, "Please come back James".


	4. Chapter Four : Betrayal

"The Lily Among the Thorns"

_Since I'm confessing things, I guess I should also confess to you that things weren't all rosy and perfect with us. I mean, they were, for the first two years or so of our dating, and then he started to stray a bit. He would come home late and not tell me where he'd been, and often he'd smell of perfume._

_During these times, as he drifted off to sleep next to me, I would lie awake, staring at the ceiling wondering where he could have possibly gone. Wondering what I was doing wrong. Asking myself how I would feel if he did leave me. These nights always ended in tears. I would often end up crying myself to sleep._

Lily stared at what she had written. She couldn't believe she was actually going to publish all of this, all of the secrets that her friends and his friends never knew. Everything that they held so close to their hearts as theirs, was going to be public. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath in.

_I confronted him one night. He came in late to dinner. I remember that night perfectly too. I had cooked his favorite meal, steak with mashed potatoes, gravy, and peas. I had opened up a bottle of wine that we had been saving up for a special occasion, and I had lit candles all around. I was so excited because he promised me that he'd be home early that night._

_One hour went by, Two hours, Three, I gave up expecting him home that night, and was about to start putting everything away, when finally he waltzed in the door, smelling of girls perfume. By that time, the steak was already cold, the mashed potatoes were going cold and hard, and the gravy had a film over it. I was so mad at him. I demanded he tell me where he was going every night. I could tell he was getting angry, but I couldn't stop yelling at him. I was slamming dishes around the kitchen, screaming at him to tell me where he'd been._

Lily sighed and put her hand to her cheek.

_Then he hit me. He slapped my cheek and got really close and lowered his voice._

_"Don't you ever talk to me like that again" he said, and walked up the stairs to go to bed. I was in shock and so hurt that he would hit me. I thought he was perfect, cavalier and chivalrous. I slumped onto the floor of the kitchen and cried. I stayed there crying for, must have been an hour or so. Finally I pulled myself up and wiped my face._

_When I looked up, he was standing in the doorway of the kitchen. I told him to get away from me, that I was leaving. Then he did something so un-James like. He slumped to the floor and began to cry. He told me everything. How he'd been seeing this other girl from work, and how he'd go over to her apartment some nights, or they'd go out dancing, or walking in the park. He told me how he just needed someone who acted like they loved him. He said that he was so sorry about all that he'd done. He wanted me to forgive him. I sat down next to him and looked him straight in the eye._

_"You hurt me, then you hit me. Why should I forgive you?"_

_He slowly leaned in to kiss the cheek he had hit. Then he kissed the other one, and then my forehead._

_"Because it'll never happen again, and because…" he kissed my lips, "I love you."_

_Lily closed her eyes tight, trying to block out the feeling of James hitting her._

_I don't quite know why I forgave him. I guess it was because he didn't do anything with this girl. Or maybe it was because he apologized. Maybe it was because he cried for the first time in his life. But I think it was because for the first time in months, he said "I Love You" without me saying it first._

_I know what you're thinking. I shouldn't have forgiven him. I should have left him. I loved him so much, I wasn't thinking straight. But I was thinking straight; completely straight. I loved him. I wasn't going to let this stupid fight get in the way of a happily ever after._

_I told him that if it ever happened again, I would leave, and he'd never see me again in his life. It never happened again._

Lily sat back in her chair, and a single tear escaped her eye. She stared out of the window and thought to herself. "Did I really forgive him fully? Did I ever really trust him again?" She shook these thoughts out of her head and re-read the chapter.

Later that night as she was getting ready for bed, she thought about the girl he had cheated on her with. "A girl from work…yeah right. She was beautiful, yes, but did James have any idea she was already married?" As she was getting into bed, she realized that she had never fully forgiven him for "seeing" Narcissa all those long years ago.


End file.
